Today I became a survivor NOT a victim!!!!
Nov 5, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD1CUO7Gxu4

this is my story and welcome to it I
honestly think that this headache away
is due to a caffeine headache because
you guys I have taken everything under
the Sun there is nothing taking this
stupid thing away and in fact last night
all I went and put Omar down for bed and
by the time he came out I was out I was
just I was done
so thing is I was like I don't
understand what else it could be from
like
I mean think on my leg it's starting to
feel much better like it's not hurting
me as bad I still keep running this
really high fever I don't know what is
going on with the favorite part because
my leg seems to be doing better so I
don't know if the fever is there because
it's fighting such a strong confection
it's the only thing I could think of but
I haven't had a coffee in a couple of
days so I told although I was like you
know I think I'm gonna go run down to
Starbucks and to get me a coffee usually
I get Dutch brothers but right now I
figured out my calorie count for their
skinny caramel macchiato and it's way
less calories than anything else I'm
being able to find right now
so that's why I've been sticking to
Starbucks so he has defected bringing a
Red Bull when I come back I said that's
fine
and then he's gonna go and spend some
time with a friend and I'm gonna stay
home with the kids and just have like
the lazy day I'm not I'm literally you
guys in my pajamas
I have a t-top on jacket of course I got
some pajama bottoms huh
you wouldn't know but never buy pajamas
so I took a shower wash my hair ill and
clean I'm just gonna spend time with my
babies so anyways yeah other than that I
just haven't done much of anything this
morning cuz my head has just been
pounding I just you know when your heads
hurting
when you have a headache it like to me
excuse me
it will affect my entire body and
especially like I'm not not used to
having headaches I don't get headaches
not I mean I don't get headaches I get
my Guardians if I'm gonna get a headache
I don't just get these minor little E
but this one has just been hanging
around for way too many days for way too
many minutes and I need to get rid of it
so I figured I'd come down and get me
something with some caffeine in it see
if that will spruce e you see me up a
little better and if I can get my
headache I'm probably doing pretty good
today so I have not taken any pain meds
I am NOT going to because I do not I I
also don't want to get those headaches
from when you take too much pain meds
and so you know clearly last night took
pain meds and it didn't do anything for
my headaches so what what seriously
what's the point
can I do a large skinny iced caramel
macchiato now when I order it like that
what is that containing okay and does
that work in the calories that you guys
have listed or is it less okay so that's
yeah that's what I want perfect
nope that's it Thanks he's doing a venti
sighs go get some caffeine in me you
guys don't judge me please
I have my counseling tomorrow and then I
have well I have to call the doctor's
tomorrow and let them know that I never
did go get that ultrasound at the back
of my leg I mean I think at this point
if I had a blood clot I was gonna fall
over dad hasn't call over dead don't
gone what I probably should have said
that um but I mean I'm gonna just call
and explain the whole situation be like
you know this is what it is so you know
I don't know really what you're you know
what you guys are wanting me to do
because you know I dare not to sit down
in a waiting room of the emergency room
when I don't have the sicknesses that
everybody else is in there for which is
like the flu and stuff like that that's
all I need on top of everything is to
get sick in other areas it's like no no
it's just burying me then at that point
because I'm done I mean I told her late
today so I feel like my body is getting
kind of weak and I seriously think it's
probably because I've just been fighting
this infection for I mean we're going on
probably almost two weeks
yeah hmm so yeah I'm my body is just
like okay Amy we're done you know we are
done so I'm just trying to take it easy
like I said today I'm just you know
normally Sunday's are my scrub day that
I like scrub the house and get it ready
for the week but my wonderful husband
and my amazing son cleaned the whole
house while I was gone yesterday they
mopped and vacuumed and yeah I am so
grateful for those two men in my life
they just do everything to help me when
the especially when they see that I'm
down they definitely do anything they
can to help me that makes me feel so
good yes and can I get an extra cup
and do you guys have like any type of
like coupon pick things that you know if
I'm coming quite often like an
electronic stamp card so if you buy a
gift card and put money on it and then
register it every time you use that card
you get starters for every dollar so you
get two stars for every dollar and then
once you hit a certain amount you get
free back every word they ever did oh
okay so like even if you've got a five
dollar gift card you could register it
online and continue to put money on it
and use it to fuel a free drinks okay
I'll tell my husband about that thank
you thank you Oh does the receipt oh
yeah
here we go something coming at you too
okay so now in my way of burning stink
so bad just a smell of
I guess the wheel
anyways so back to what I was saying was
that I just feel like my body is just
getting tired and I clearly think that
it's just because it has been fighting
this infection for so long that it's
just tired it's you know it wants to be
done I want it to be done I am so sick
of being sick and so yeah I am
definitely definitely going to force my
body to get better
we're gonna go grocery shopping
and so
I haven't had like a lot of different
Michael options like if I get hungry or
something like that which hasn't ended
obviously for me to eat lateness I'm not
just grabbing and call me like is I
don't have something around me that is
you know of a healthy choice then I just
skip literally I will just skip now I
won't skip my Mills of course but like
you know I have been stuck on this
popcorn that I buy from Costco and it's
skinny pop I think I talked to you guys
about it before and it's pre-popped
popcorn it is so good it really is I
love the flavor of it it doesn't have
much sodium in it if there's even any
sodium on it I don't know I don't really
taste anything but it's a great fact
that I can have three and a half cups
for 120 calories are in about 60 colors
that have to relook on that so I I will
measure it out so that I get a good you
know idea of like when I grab my bag I
know I'm grabbing 120 or whatever
calories it is fine
the problem is might little
so everything mommy has babies have to
have him so I told Olli that anything I
buy I bind up that way I could have mine
and they can have that because I am so
sick last night I wanted popcorn and so
I go to go and get my popcorn and there
is none and now mind you I only had one
of my backs I was like where is my
popcorn and my eyes like it's all gone
I'm like what do you mean it is all gone
he's like yeah the babies ate it all I'm
like oh no we're not doing this I was
like you guys have club or downstairs
and here I'm happy to share my back
downstairs Scott
you guys have popcorn in the other
cupboard that I can't clearly have and
here you guys are gonna sit here and
take my popcorn that I'm supposed to be
eating you know this is not fair oh my
gosh yes I threw a fit I had an attitude
but I was so mad I was so so so mad
because how dare you guys see my pop
dollar so anyways
and I literally I swear you not I even
have my own special cupboards my kids
will leave everything alone nope they
will always delete it
/ my legs not a good thing sitting on
the seat belt is not a good feeling
either it will not it's like clearly not
wanting to report it keeps shutting
anyway so I am on my way back to the
house
go hang with him screams I love when he
guts to go out and spend time with this
friend he loves them
so anyways he'll be gone for most of the
afternoon he's gonna make lunch for him
and his friend and then take it to his
suite so iron I just ate breakfast so I
won't eat again until later and I have
like soups and solid or not solid soups
or sandwiches
something quick probably got a whole big
appetite like last night I barely ate
anything so
Oh anyways alright you guys I am getting
back up to the house so I will quite
sure what do you mean there'll be
something around the house I'm sure
anyways oh you guys are having a good
day so far you guys go falling sorry oh
my goodness you guys it has been such a
nice afternoon
look we're sitting here at 6 o'clock now
and I got this coffee uh what was it
like I don't even remember but it was
like I want to say it was once a it was
before - I think anyways look still
sipping on it because while I'm doing
that I am still doing my water on top of
it so keeping the water in um tonight
you guys oh my gosh I'm finally starting
to feel better
my leg is not hurting at all I'm
actually being able to like I know this
sounds really weird but I'm able to
actually get on my bed with my leg
underneath me like for a while there
because it was so swollen and tender I
could not put any pressure on it to get
up onto my bed and now I can put my leg
up and curl it underneath me and get
comfortable in my bed nice filling huh
I got up and clean the whole kitchen
today it felt so good to really get in
there and just clean it and I didn't
overdo myself but I definitely felt
really good doing it and tonight I am
feeling so good I am running a well I'm
now at 98 is my temp which I do have
tylenol on board but it is what it is I
but I'm finally starting to feel better
and I know that they said it could take
anywhere from three to seven days for
the antibiotic to actually kick in to
really feel like the actual
filling of it so and to see like a
change in my lake and so I'm sorry to
feel much better in that sense so I'm
really thinking that I've bypassed the
worst part of it and now it's just going
out from here thank God so ready to get
back on my truck get back to where I
need to be and so anyways I did a lot of
rusty and still today though other than
cleaning and then this morning going and
grabbing my coffee and stuff other than
that I have been pretty much in my bed
with my leg elevated I've done like some
loads of laundry but those are quick and
simple they're nothing like hard I
picked up my room in here because I
cannot sit when my bedroom is like
really bad thanks to my children so I
did do that and then other than that I
just rested I mean I really just just
rested it felt good so yeah I'm hoping
that starting this week I'm gonna be
able to get back to my normal routine
because this is driving me nuts
um so anyways yeah I'm excited and what
else
so okay kind of backlog for some that
may not know and some have known so I
have been going through therapy for well
I've been going for over a year and a
half now
and it's taken about a year and a half
to really build trust I think with my
counsellor just to be able to really
touch into some really really sensitive
situations that have happened in my past
part of it the molestation physical
abuse verbal abuse mental abuse that you
name it it's I have endured every type
of abuse you could possibly think of at
some point in my life and so I'm slowly
and surely getting through all of it
thirty years later and when I say
getting through it thirty years later
it's because
felt like I had I guess you would say
can you pull it up I never had I guess
you could say the validation to really
process the abuse that I entered and
also process the emotions that come
along with abuse huh
[Music]
okay go watch TV for a little bit in the
moment we'll okay so anyways now that
you know I'm 37 years old
I am just now starting to walk down
those paths of abuse and deal with them
all at different levels and one of the
biggest ones that have held me back so
much is the molestation that happened
from my grandmother's boyfriend
basically wasn't her husband at the time
and I had to fight the molestation
pretty much alone I had family members
that backed me up and stuff but the
people that I thought would have my back
the most which would be my dad's side of
the family pretty much had his back had
the perpetrators back and they never at
this point have ever validated the
molestation never apologized to me never
nothing and so because I never have been
validated I think that I have always
carried this open wound waiting and
hoping to get the validation that I
personally have been seeking to be able
to close that chapter and move on and
heal the rest of what else has been done
to me so that I can finally feel free
and feel like I can live a healthy life
not physically but in all the other
if that makes sense so I took a big leap
and I wrote my grandmother a letter
sharing with her my hurt how I felt and
everything that went in between and I
didn't send it to her just yet because I
knew the time would come when I felt
right now my grandmother is 93 years old
and I knew that it was very important
for me to get her the letter before you
know she passes on age is gonna happen
and death happens at an older age so I
know that it's you know it's gonna
happen eventually so I didn't want to
have to send the letter on a balloon
because I wouldn't have felt like she
would have ever seen it or nobody would
have gotten it so I felt like I had to
send this letter before she was to ever
pass so that I know in my heart that I
said the last words I needed to say to
her rather she receive it or not that
wasn't that wasn't my control but I knew
in my heart I was sending it and
everybody would hear it so today my aunt
text me and said have I been talking bad
about their family and I said no I
haven't said anything that would be
untrue or vain I've only spoken truth
and I said so if you take me being
truthful and sharing my experience of
abuse as talking bad about somebody then
I guess you consider that
yeah I've been talking bad and I was
like but this is this is what I'm here
for
I am here to share my story as a victim
and I am here to share my story as a
survivor and I am here to share my story
to reach as
many people out there men women children
of all ages all races to let them know
that they're not alone and that it is a
very scary thing to go through but that
they are not alone and it is a very
important for me to share my story and
get it out there and she wrote this big
long letter to me back replying and in
the whole letter it was taking
everything off of them and putting it
back on me
putting it back on my family putting it
back on everything that they could
without putting blame on themselves and
it makes me so angry that again they
cannot see the fault I don't think that
it's not that they see the fault I think
that they choose not to because they
feel too guilty so it's better just to
act like they're blinded from it then
saying yeah you know what you're right
we were wrong and we should have done
this but instead it was a me you're a
liar you know you come up with you make
up stories in your mind you know I feel
very well valid to read you guys the
responses I want you guys to hear the
response of a person that I want you to
hear the response of from a person that
can't take responsibility for something
but also I want you to hear the survivor
in me responding back and how it is so
it's such a fresh filling to be able to
stand up and say you're not going to
make me feel this way again you're not
going to make me feel like I'm not
worthy of having the validation that I
deserve
you're going to hear me you're going to
hear my heart you're going to you're
going to listen and then it's your
choice to believe it it's your choice to
do what you want with it but I want
people to hear both sides of how someone
can react to them to the story of
molestation and how the survivor can
speak back so I'm going to read this
letter to you from back and forth I am
going to keep names private only because
I feel like you know there are things
that I should keep you know confidential
but I will share the whole entire story
or the letters from my side to her side
and the responses back during this time
as you're listening to this letter that
is going back and forth please keep in
mind that this happened thirty years ago
and this is something that I am just now
dealing with thirty years later I was
seven when this happened I am 37 this
year and it never has been dealt with
until this year so this is all fresh raw
feelings for me that I have had to walk
through again to get to where I need to
be so that I can start truly truly
healing and start having a real freeing
life of not feeling like I am that I'm
still being affected by this man's
choices that he did to me so let me get
the letter correct the letter ready and
then I'll be right back
and also I want to just say too that I
am NOT sharing this letter to you know
pull people down nothing like that
mm-hmm but you know what here's the
thing this is my channel
this isn't my this isn't my family's
channel this isn't this is Amy's channel
and whatever I choose to share on this
channel is what I will share and again
like I said my goal in life is to reach
as many people as I can that have
suffered from physical abuse mental
abuse social abuse sexual abuse verbal
abuse you name it I am trying to reach
every person out there because you know
what I've experienced every single one
of those abuses I have personal you know
I have personal things that have
happened to me that I have endured those
physical abuse are those abuses in
general so I have experience in every
one of them and my my whole goal is to
be able to reach out to as many people
as I can and advocate for you guys and
know that there is somebody else out
there that believes you and that you
know validation is such a big thing when
it comes to abuse for the for the
survivor and for the victim it's such a
big step of healing is validation if you
get validated that is such a big step in
the right direction but most victims and
most survivors look for validation
because they need that to be able to
move forth so I just wanted to state
that really quick dear grandma I'm
writing this letter excuse me don't know
throw dear grandma I'm writing this
letter not knowing what will be done
with it
well I Mel it or keep it and send it to
you later I will know when the time
comes but I know I need to definitely
write my letter to you and share my
feelings to you and for you to hear my
heart after all these years I finally
have come to a time in my life that I am
starting to heal the past the trauma and
everything that happened to me as a
child I cannot go on with healing Thalia
dress my hurt heart and feelings that
you played a part with grandma have
allowed my feelings to be pushed to the
backburner for 30 years I allowed my
hurt and pain to go unnoticed and
ignored it for the sake of your
happiness and the fact that you could
get to know my babies and I could get a
sense of family but don't think for one
day or one meeting with you it went
without seeing the perpetrator in my
eyes and that I have gotten over it
because I have not I heard every day
still for what you and him have done to
me I have forgiven you and him for the
sake of my God and my soul but I have
never and will never forget it hurts and
it kills me that I have a grandma that
doesn't validate the mana station that
your husband did to me when I was seven
years old while in your care do you
think for two seconds that I would want
to live this life I have for 30 years
a feeling taken advantage of in feeling
dirty and my precious innocence taken
away from your husband the man that you
chose to protect and hide away so he
didn't pay the consequences that you
should have paid but yet I paid 30 years
of consequences for his actions
you paved the road for him to run away
grandma how could you do that how could
you believe a man over your little
grandbaby the little girl that you
claimed that you loved so much yet
allowed the man that hurt me the worse
to get away with molesting me grandma I
love you but I hate you at the same time
because I have carried so much pain for
so long I have never had you even
apologized to me for what you played in
this situation by running with this man
and hiding him so that he could get away
with hurting me you might as well took a
gun and took my life the day that you
ran away with him because not only did
you run away with my heart by allowing
me to have to battle this molestation
alone but you also made me look like a
liar then when I was 18 years old you
had the chance to make it right when I
had him arrested you and my aunt could
have made it right with the court in the
courtroom and finally tell the truth and
say this man was guilty because you know
in his heart your heart he is
but yet again you stood on the stand
under oath and continued to lie and say
he was innocent and that I was the liar
do you remember that day the day I
looked deep into your eyes and told you
that I hope your son is happy with what
you have allowed his daughter to go
through because I do and I still stand
by that so not only did I get hurt once
by you but then I had to replay them and
relive the trauma all over again while
you once again made me out to look like
a liar and invalidated me and the
molestation once again grandma I have
lived all my life for myself I have had
to protect myself since both of my
parents fell short of being parents and
couldn't do their job and whom I thought
would protect me you and my mom's mom
failed me as well therefore I was
molested multiple times be physically by
family members and even though I was
treated less than dog crap by everyone
of you that should have been there for
me I was there for myself and although I
couldn't fight off the beatings and
rapes I protected my heart the best I
could
grandma has taken everything out of me
to have a relationship with you I know
you're old and fragile but what about me
what about when I was a little girl in
fragile you didn't care you didn't seem
to even notice that notice that did you
well that's kind of where I am at I have
to be honest with you and tell you my
feelings because I have never had the
chance but now I do and you need to hear
it I will never get that man's voice his
whisper and hot breath when he whispered
in my ear as I was getting up to go
potty to take my panties off and just to
put my pants back on and put my panties
under the sink and to come back to him
so I did it coz of fear of him when I
came back and got under the white sheet
he proceeded to molest me he whispered
again in my left ear that if I ever told
he would take me to the back shed the
maintenance shed and kill me and no one
would find me could you imagine telling
a scared seven-year-old that was just
ripped from her mother in foster care
that she would be killed if she told he
knew what he was doing also not to
mention when he when you and him would
pick me and my brother up from my aunt's
house he would French kiss me every time
grandma I just asked how could you
protect this monster I hate him with
every bone in my body and every ounce of
blood that runs through me I know that
this man is burning in hell for what he
did to me and all his other victims yes
you heard me I know there were more but
again cuz you helped him out of organ he
got away with it but he is not but he's
not now I'm sure he is screaming in
agony like I did when I was a little
girl all the nights I had nightmares and
cried myself to sleep yep he is
screaming a million times worse I wish
God would allow me to see him suffering
it would literally make me so happy yes
I am saying all this to you because this
is the truth and you need to hear it why
should I hold back because you're older
well no one held me back from protecting
this bastard from me anyways grandma I
love you that will never change but I
have to do what's best for me and my
mental health that's writing this to you
and saying my final farewell to you I
will not be reaching out to you no more
I need to close this chapter of my life
and that's closing this fake
relationship that I have had with you
for a few years to make you happy and
not respecting my own happiness I will
for now on do just that I wish you the
best of life and happiness and I just
prayed that one day before it's too late
you hit your knees and beg God for
forgiveness for the role you played and
in this man molesting me and getting
away with it
sincerely Amy so the response back from
my aunt was Amy I feel really sorry for
you because you know that the one person
in your life that never stopped loving
you and loves you more to this day than
any else anyone else in your life ever
will this family has always loved you
and tried to be there for you your
mother's family wouldn't let us see you
because they are all of a mental case
and always have been they were actually
abusing you
you were never abused by this family
ever your grandma would have killed this
man if she knew he had done anything to
you Amy you have grown this story in
your mind until it is absolutely out of
control in your mind over the years by
the way grandma never babysat any other
girls so no no other girls were abused
by this man not even his own daughters
or stepdaughters they said that they
were happy to go to court for him also a
me grandma told what she knew to be the
truth on the stand what was she supposed
to do lie she said what she knew Amy I
did not lie about anything because I was
never asked I was not on the stand ever
so that's not the truth either grandma
also did not run in hide this man for
Christ's sake her mother was dying in
North Carolina she went to be with her
own mother
they weren't hiding they had a address
and a phone number in the phone book do
you know how ridiculous that sounds
they also owned a butcher shop downtown
grifton not too hard to find you have
made that up in your mind too Amy make
your story sound better you have blown
this completely out of proportion and
you know it I always believed you Amy
but we all have always known that you
also have always made up stories from a
very young age I used to listen to you
play and use words like I am gonna say
because I don't know what it means when
you were playing with your dolls well
you know no one on this side of the
family use that language how you can do
this to a family that has always loved
you and loved your children husband and
even your mother-in-law I don't know it
is truly unfortunate and sad and to your
93 year old grandma is nothing but cruel
you are going to break her heart but you
don't care do you
if this man did something to you it's
horrible but to blame people that didn't
do anything to you as plain hateful
there was no proof that the apartment
grandma lived in was very there was no
proof and that apartment that grandma
lived in was very small how could she
have missed anything Amy your own mother
told me that this did not happen and
that your uncle said it was put in your
head by your aunts and that he should
know he was married to them you know I
was sexually abused also as a very young
girl but I didn't blame any of the other
people that were in the family because
it was not their fault I also never told
my mom or anyone when it happened or who
it was until I was 74 years old
why are you airing this to the world to
people you don't even know I will never
understand that is
just not right and it's tacky your
grandmother will never see your letter
because she does not deserve it no
matter what happened to you she didn't
do anything to you except love you if
this man had been convicted because of
proof she would have divorced him but
they found absolutely no proof we will
continue to pray for you and love you
how could you do this to us
I'm gonna stop right there
because I'm gonna kind of retract back
on her story really or her letter okay
first thing was she said grandma never
babysat any other girls okay in my
letter that I just read you guys
previous did I ever mention anything
about my grandmother
babysitting other girls that this man
molested I never did I never did so many
words were right there changed and added
that's the first thing that I noticed
another thing is Amy I did not lie about
anything because I was never asked I was
not on the stand ever so that's not the
truth either
I never said that my aunt was on the
stand I said that my grandma lied under
oath okay
so nor did I say that she directly stood
on the stand I said I said her and my
grandma were at the courtroom and I my
grandma continued to say that I was a
liar well she did too because she was
sitting there with them another part was
that
they always believed me okay here's the
thing if you believed me
then why for 30 years did you stay with
this man and allow him into your home
and continue to live with him until the
day he took his last breath why did you
stay with him if you truly believed me
so she's contradicting herself in so
many which ways possible in this letter
and the only reason that I am shining
this out is because I just wanted to
bring up those few eye things right
there that obviously shows the twisted
backwardness that I have dealt with 4:30
yeah this is this is the same cycle that
I have dealt with and this is why I have
not been able to heal because it's
always a back and forth game with them I
say I'm hurt they say that I'm wrong I
say that you know I I was physically you
know sexually abused by somebody there
I'm the liar
that there was no proof there was no
proof there was no proof what proof were
they looking for there was no proof
because he didn't leave anything to
leave it proof you know I'm not gonna
get into detail about how the you know
what happened to me I don't feel that
that's needed um but what happened to me
there would have been no proof because
there was no like DNA I guess is how you
would say there was no DNA and by the
time that I was able to tell it had been
a couple days later because I had to
finish my stay with my grandma before I
went back to my aunt's house where I was
able to say hey because I was coming up
on another visit and I didn't want to go
back so in return I said hey you know
this is going on I don't want to go back
there because they don't want to be with
him I'm scared and then that's how
everything fell into place so by the
time that I actually told because I was
so scared to tell and I didn't even tell
an adult I told another person that was
in
our teenager was my cousin that I was
living with as well like she was in the
family I told her secretly and she's the
one that told and then they came to me
and said hey you know this person said
that this has happened is this true and
then of course I broke down in tears and
yeah so okay so then she writes so that
was one response I didn't respond back
yet she responds back with Amy I will
say something else to you how dare you
say that my mother the sweetest woman to
walk on this earth ever did anything
wrong to you that kind of crap would
never even enter her mind she doesn't
have a trashy mind like the other side
of your family you should be ashamed of
yourself talking about her that way I
will never forgive you for that blame
the one person that should be blamed if
he did something to you not the rest of
us that didn't you don't want this
family that's up to you you seriously
need to grow up and get on with making
your family happy instead of dragging
them into this unending drama like I
said I will pray for you and continue to
love you as always her name okay first
of all I did not say she's not a sweet
person she is a very sweet person I did
not say that she did something wrong to
me I said what she did in playing the
role of protecting him is what affected
me I didn't say she did something to me
so right there she's adding more to the
story that I never said I never said
that she did anything wrong to me what
she did wrong to me was protect a man
that should have been punished for what
he did to me that's where she went wrong
and then chose to stay with the man and
make excuses for the man and make up all
these other things for him that's where
she went wrong and then the other part
is you know she always cast judgment on
my mother's side of the family I'm not
sitting there saying my mother's side of
family is perfect no every family member
of mine has flaws just like I have flaws
I'm not perfect but
at least my mom's side of the family
stood up and did take me whether or not
I maybe didn't have the best homes in
some of the cases some of the cases I
did but at least I had somebody stand up
to take me but she can never not blame
my mom and my mom's side of the family
and it's like wait a minute we're not
talking about my mom we're not talking
about my mom's side of the family we're
talking about you and my dad's side of
the family but she'll never accept that
she will always take the blame put it on
everybody else and take the blame off of
herself and that's what people that are
guilty do they will take the spotlight
and be like oh crap no I don't want you
to be looking at me because you're gonna
see everything that I've done wrong I
don't want to do that let's put the
shine light on somebody else and let's
talk about their problems because we
don't want to talk about my problems so
that wasn't unfortunate that again she
did that but it's you know is what it is
like I said I'm very used to it um so
for my response back to her says okay
first of all I wrote this letter
straight from my heart and I will not be
told that it is not important my point
was made with your response back to me
and that was making it all about you
guys again and I will I was a little 7
year old girl that could not protect
myself and I looked for grandma to
protect me she failed that job horribly
I can sit here and point fingers at so
many people that are horribly and have
done horrible in this situation but what
comes down to it is my mother and father
let me down and the most and protect me
the way I should have been I love how
you always say that I make up stories
and this is one of them - how dare you
how can you say that you were not even
there
it was grandma bastard brother and me
that was it because and because grandma
didn't see it that makes me a liar and
the man telling the truth get out of
here with that BS when an adult wants to
take advantage of someone in Mike
as a child they are not stupid they know
how to play the game yes I agree my
mom's side of the family is not very
nice either and yes I got abused by them
as well and that's why to this day I
don't speak to many of them as well I
will no longer I will no longer live
this life thinking what happened to me
was okay and deserves to be brushed
under the rug because no it dont
grandma deserves to hear this letter you
are so worried about her and how she how
sad she she's ninety and how sad she'll
be she's 93 well I was naughty words
seven years old how did I deserve it and
I never once said grandma watched little
girls free read my letter I said there
were more victims that's what I said see
right there you changed my words there
were two little Hispanic girls that also
were touched by him but believe as you
wish on that that's not my war to fight
my war is mine and mine only when I
wrote when I wrote this letter I pretty
much knew what to expect from the reply
I knew this man would continue to be
innocent and that I would be the liar
there's no shock but the real part is
the man knows and I know the truth and I
know the man is paying now for it you
ask how can I do this to your family
here we go again with the mimimi BS well
aunt what about me darn it and I know
your lie and I know you are a liar about
my mom saying it was all a lie cuz darn
it I was molested by the man how hard is
it to believe me and again I never said
the man molested his daughters or your
family I said he molested me I am so
sick and tired of this crap again and
you go and invalidate me and my feelings
stomp on me like crap how can you say
you all love me but yet again you're
still trying to protect the bastard that
hurt me you make no sense also I never
said grandma was not sweet she is very
sweet and kind and I love her very much
but I hate her too for all the pain I
went through by her protecting him I
don't ask you to forgive me that's not
the point of the letter the point of the
letter was to share with Graham
not you my hurt I have and have carried
for so long but now with my therapy
we're working and the healing portion of
the trauma that I have endured as a
child and adult you say you were
molested as a child and chose not to
tell anyone and that's great you chose
to deal with it that way maybe that's
why you have a hard time with my abuse
because it brings back memories of your
own abuse but at the same time I would
think that would help you understand the
pain I have endured from the man I am
not blaming you all for the molestation
I am holding everyone accountable for
the part they played was protecting him
and keeping him away so that he didn't
have to pay his price and yeah once they
went to North Carolina the police would
not indict him on charges because they
had to wait they had to wait all they
could do was put a warrant out if he
came back before the eight year mark
they would have charged him but the
butthole knew that he stayed away or
came in secret so that he didn't get
caught you also say I have grown this
story in my head since the first time I
said it and to be honest it's the same
story all around thirty years later
because my counselor has the transcripts
from the police report and when she
asked me without knowing she had it she
said it was word-for-word the same now I
didn't write this letter to go back and
forth arguing my honesty if you choose
to continue to not believe me that is up
to you you will deal with it when you
answer to God I don't have control over
what or how you feel I can only share
with you my part and that's it with my
healing of the past I have chosen to
close this chapter to the book of my
past that's caused and still caused us
so much hurt for me you would not
understand aunt because you're not you
would not understand aunt because you're
not me and my heart is not yours I just
always ask for validation I just always
had asked for validation from you all
and never could get it because I was the
story maker and the man was the poor
innocent man that got blamed for
molesting a child and ran away because
he was a little hmm not gonna say and
couldn't handle a punishment for his
actions I am going to close this letter
I have
nothing more to say at this point should
I send pictures so at this point where
I'm I'm mentioning is she had texting a
picture of my grandma and pretty much
went on about how you know how could you
do this to her
she doesn't deserve this look at this
picture you know this poor little old
woman that you are you know basically
breaking her heart and you know I guess
this will be the last picture you ever
receive of your grandma okay that's what
this is containing - should I send
pictures of myself as seven years old
and ask you how you could do what you
did to me by choosing a old crappy man
over your blood should I send a picture
of my dad and ask for him why didn't you
have my daughters back I could send you
many things to remind you of the state
of life I was in and the pain I was
going through because my family chose a
man that hurt me so bad and kicked my
feelings to the side but the thing is
you already know and I don't need to
remind you but once again it's about
everyone else and grandma and her
feelings and her state of age of life
that I should be ashamed of how I am
handling this but I can turn around and
say the same thing to you you should be
ashamed that you cannot accept what has
happened in the past that I am telling
the truth and give me the validation I
deserve the last response from her well
again you are blowing up everything in
proportion Amy not one of us has said we
didn't believe you are invalidated your
what happened to you because we don't
know mama did not see him do anything
what the hell was she supposed to do why
do you insist that they ran away when
they didn't they had been planning on
going back to North Carolina because
your great-grandma she was sick and Mama
didn't want to be with her daddy
but mama didn't get to be with her daddy
before he died and she wanted to be with
her mother it had nothing to do with you
I never liked this man and you know that
but I couldn't just accuse someone of
doing that without proof that's why we
left it up to the FBI to investigate it
FYI
mom and this man came back for vacation
to see us I had nothing to do with
statues of limitations Amy your family
fed you so much crap after all of what
happened and being young you were
vulnerable to it
has ever said we didn't believe you
including grandma we heard the crap that
your mom's family was saying and it was
all BS and lies so really what were we
to believe Amy there were no little
Mexican girls that came to Mom's home
again
I never said anybody came to her home
there was a boy named Juan that came and
helped Manar mom around the apartments
but no girls they were friends with
one's family they used to come over for
barbecues I am sorry that is just simply
not true you have to get your facts
straight because there are others that
remember things to your grandmas all him
do nothing wrong Amy how can you ask her
to validate something she never saw she
said at the time my god the living room
in the kitchen were all in one room if
he did something I would have seen it
she never once said that she didn't
believe you but she had no proof saying
that she ran away with him and hit him
is a complete fabrication of your
imagination Amy I've told you for years
why she went to North Carolina and I
ended up going back for my grandma's
funeral also Amy I made none of this
about us I merely pointed out facts to
you that you can't blame anyone that
didn't know if something happened to you
or not that simply isn't fair and to
write a hateful letter like that to your
grandma at the time in her life when she
has only a few years left of her life is
so hateful okay and I can't even a
fathom it
especially when none of this is her
fault you blame the person that did it
not innocent people that didn't know or
see you know I decided to be a bigger
person and deal with my problem and my
hate without putting blame where it
didn't belong I put it on the person
that did it to me and forgot that they
ever existed in my orbit yes this
comment is about me and yes I did I do
understand what you went through
although I was five at the time I chose
to deal with it and let it go because I
was not going to let it consume my life
or anyone that was in my life or my
children's lives my children still do
not know because it is not theirs to
bear I love you okay okay I have my
little chick Lynn down here she decided
to wake up from a late now Julie that
means mama is gonna be staying up
tonight
um anyways but the whole point of why
the whole point of why I felt the need
to share those things with you is again
like I said at the very beginning I
think that it's important to show a
survivor's letter to not the actual
abuser because of course the abuser is
dead but to contact the people that
protected the abuser and if you really
listen to the words to that letter that
was a response from her it's nothing but
excuses blame game and everything in
between there's nothing there is nothing
that says you know what we take you know
we take responsibility for our actions
of what we've done and you know we are
sorry for the pain that the part that
we've played in causing pain towards you
there's never been once an apology and
there's never been a sense of
responsibility for the part that they
did and it always comes back on me it's
always my fault I need to get over it I
need so you know I guess that's where I
always have my problem is that you know
she says well you know I chose not to
tell anybody and until this year when I
was 74 years old that's fine but don't
tell me okay that's right honey I need
you to stop moving around don't tell me
that it didn't affect you when I know
darn well that it has affected you and
you have had a lot of issues in the past
I did wasn't aware that you were
molested but a person doesn't just get
molested and get over it
they may get molested and block it out
but it will come back and bite you and
it will bite you hard at some given time
when you least expect it so that is a
false
a false thing right there you know and
that's how sometimes the abuser gets
away with it because they make you feel
like well if you just forget about it
and you just move on that you'll just
have a normal life don't tell me you've
had a normal life don't tell me that
because I know darn well that you didn't
and so you know I understand that it's
never gonna be resolved I I did not
respond back after that last message
that she sent me or email I didn't
respond back because you know what
there's really no point at this point
there's no point I don't see any point
in continuing to respond back to
somebody that will never get it so why
keep rehashing things that it's not it's
just gonna keep going in a vicious
circle so I closed it I am NOT gonna
respond back I took all of them off of
my social media because I don't need to
continue to keep playing the game and
that chapter is completely closed and
you know tonight I thought you know I I
wasn't sure how I would handle this
situation when it finally you know came
to reality but tonight as I sit here I
feel like a sense of relief and like
okay you know what that chapter is done
like I don't have to look back on that
chapter in a bad way anymore if I look
back on that chapter it's to help people
but not to relive a victimized state of
mind because I'm no longer a victim I am
a survivor and I will make this through
and I have made it through because I
stood up for myself and no matter if my
grandma receives the letter or not in my
heart I know that the people that needed
to hear it heard it and that's all that
matters
and just go from there and so it's been
a long afternoon I feel like I'm like
not being able to hold on that's where I
need to set me back up really quick um
it's been you know as good afternoon I
my leg
okay that's right honey you're on me I
can't are you ever a pillow for your
children right because with me I'm a
child or I'm a child yeah I'm a child I
am a pillow for my children they're
always like lounging on me it's like hey
I know I'm fluffy and put a knot full of
too much stuffing okay watch your leg so
I can sit down um anyways I had a really
good afternoon I was able to get up and
clean my kitchen that was a good feeling
and then um now I'm just waiting for
Ollie to come home and we're gonna heat
up dinner I made my shopping list for
this week was we're gonna go grocery
shopping we are out of everything when I
say everything we're out of everything
but I've been trying to just get
everything used and so that way you know
I'm not throwing tons of food away I
hate throwing food away so if I can
manage it then I will so I went ahead
and made the list and got some good
dinners on board and that's it and now
I'm just sitting here waiting for my
husband to come home I was gonna show
you guys my lake really quick just so
you guys can get a little update okay so
here is my lake it is nothing like it
was you guys nothing those thought
things are kind of going away finally
the thing that's really weird though is
like these things I don't I don't get
what these things are they don't hurt
but they're really weird my leg is still
a little bit tender a little bit not bad
I mean I I wasn't even being able to do
this the other day you guys know that
it's still swollen though I will say
it's still someone you could still see
it's swollen but I'm sure that is gonna
go down in time and as I'm continued to
drink my water and flush all my body out
this will get completely down because
here's my other leg I mean my other leg
is not nothing like that's like this leg
is swollen so all these little sores are
finally starting to heal up like I said
I'm so ready to be over this crap and
the redness is starting to move back
down to my leg so that means it's
starting to subside so anyways tomorrow
I have counseling and I think that's it
so um I'll check in with you guys first
thing in the morning I don't know if I'm
the one taking myself to counsel it I'm
not sure how that's gonna work yet I'll
find out tomorrow tonight bye ollie so
either way though I'll check in with you
guys before I get to counseling and then
after counseling I will definitely check
in with you guys to let you know what's
going on so take care of you guys I hope
that this vlog was a very long vlog I am
so sorry but I really hope that me
sharing these things and sharing the the
very raw and very personal part of my
healing process of this whole situation
will reach the the right people that
need to hear these things and that way
then I can help others that might feel
like they're not being able to heal past
this part of abuse that you guys if
there's anybody out there that are
struggling with this same situation
please email me talk to me I am here for
you guys please please please don't ever
feel like you're being a burden to talk
to me about it my email is always down
in the description so follow in and you
know go into my description and my
emails they're my social media stuff is
all there add me on social media
I do have snapchat if you guys want
snapchat as well I'm gonna also include
that into my description now but it's
Amy Ramadan is my snap chat name
I always snap people so always feel free
to reach me and talk to me if you need
someone you know to confidentially
- I'm here for you guys just like you
guys have always been there for me I
hope you guys take care and enjoy this
vlog until tomorrow sweet dreams you
guys have bye-bye